Happy New Year To Me

Just hours before fireworks came flashing in the sky, I was drowning in depression. I could not stop myself from weeping. It seemed like I was mourning that 2013 was dawning on me. I was perplexed because I have always loved celebrating the coming of a new year.

Then it hit me hard. I was unhappy on that day because I felt like I had not made the fullest out of the previous year. I was out of job and that made me feel like a failure. I was still totally dependent on my parents at the age of 21. And that made me feel terrible about myself. I felt ashamed and insecure which led me to constant self-loathing.

The second reason was my struggle with mental health. 2012 was a memorable year for me in an awful way. The disorder I thought I had in control defeated me. It made its way to my deepest fears and haunted me maniacally. But the episodes of panic attacks I had taught me a lot of things. It shook me to my core and made me see the thin distance I had with mental breakdown.

Love did not find me in 2012, just like how it ignored my existence during the previous years. I felt so unloved and miserable. I wanted to be in a romantic relationship but what I had was a one-way ticket to heartbreak. And it was always like that. My pursuance of love always lead either to futile end or unrequited admiration. I am tired of being attracted to guys who are distant and unavailable. Will I ever find what I am searching for?

So this 2013, I will set things right. I will do something to get back what was once my life.