HappYness

Happiness is a mental state of well-being characterized by positive emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy. A variety of biological, psychological,religious, and philosophical approaches have striven to define happiness and identify its sources.
- Wikipedia


I can't say that I'm completely unhappy. It's just sometimes I feel so miserable and helpless. All the chances and opportunities I've wasted are all coming back to me, haunting me. I know that everyone experiences things like that but for me it happens like, yeah, everyday. You know the moment when one tiny word or action triggers every frustration you have and in a split second, you're weeping like crazy? It sucks.


I don't why I'm feeling so dejected for the same mystery to me as to why it is sometimes so hard for me to feel the joy of being free, young and healthy. I DO NOT KNOW. For starters, I do not know what I want. There are too many choices being shoved to my face that I cannot see where I am actually going anymore. Do I want to work abroad? Do I want to get a Master's degree and teach? Do I want to work in Manila because my sister's friend is offering a job? Do I want to..aaaaaaaaaaargh!


A friend of mine told me once that maybe I always feel like there is something I am missing because I haven't been in a relationship yet. That maybe, it is what I am actually missing. Well. I don't know about that. I can't force it to happen, can I? I will not be compelled to get myself in a relationship just because everyone is pushing me into it.


I want to be happy. Everybody wants to be happy. Who doesn't want to?

Take My Heart Away

I have already decided that forgetting you is out of the question. We do not forget people. It's just next to impossible. Sure, my feelings for you might waver now and then. But in the end, you win. You and your hypnotizing eyes. I know these feelings will someday disappear like bubbles in the air but for now, let me hold you in my heart until I can finally be free of you. As much a I long to, I just cannot abandon my feelings for you. This is not love, I know for sure, what I feel for you is not even intense to start with. Maybe this is what they call infatuation. Then, I am deeply infatuated with you. It just sucks that the person I like so much doesn't feel anything for me, not even a bit of affection. But it's okay, I have accepted that a looong time ago. Well, there is nothing for me to say or do since I have risked whatever reservations I have for your smile. I'll just wait for the time when I can look at you in the eyes and not melt anymore.

Sunday is my Saturday

Since I have work on Saturdays, I do not feel the existence of that day anymore. So I am beginning to love Sundays. I make the most of that free day as much as possible. We attend the mass on Saturdays so I spend Sundays at home. And here's a list of what I usually do on Sunday mornings and afternoons. Not that you care, anyway.

-Read books

-Clean my room

-Download movies

-Watch movies

-Attempt to memorize Japanese songs

-Write blog posts

-Read Manga online

-Watch videos on youtube

-Facebook-ing if I'm ever in the mood

-Listen to nostalgic and heartbreaking music

-Listen to Alternative music

-Play with my cat

-Watch television

-Chitchat with my parents

-Eat, eat and eat

There's Gotta Be More to Life

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

I'm wanting more
I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed.....

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sighing. Screaming. Weeping.

In a Relationship with Chick Flicks

"That's your problem. You don't want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie." -'You've Got Mail'

Maybe I should stop watching those heart-clenching, tear-jerking, happy-ending movies. The more ideal romance I intake, the higher my expectations rise. Expectations which are never even met once by any guy. Ever. I should blame those sweet nothings from movies that tap me on the shoulder and shout, 'Hey, you'll also have a fairy tale of your own someday!". Er, yeah.

I don't know. I long for chivalry, for romantic gestures from a guy to show me how much he adores me. I yearn for a poem, a serenade, a love letter. For crying out loud. (!) That's all it takes to get me, I guess so. But have anyone thought of that yet? No. Not even one from those guys who claimed that they like me. And these are all coming from someone who is actually terrified of intimacy. But hey, I want to feel that, too. No matter how quirky and cynical I am, I still want to know how it feels to be intensely in loveeeeeeeee (an exaggeration, yes) with someone. How everything will suddenly make sense just because you've found your one true love. How every little thing will matter just because you are with him. And of course, the cheesy Valentine's Day celebrations. Ugh. How I envy those puppy-eyed gals who received roses and chocolates last V-day. So I actually bought a rose for myself, thank you very much.

I think it's great to have someone as a companion, a best friend, a confidant, an adviser and a partner in crime. 5-in-one, just those coffee ads on TV. Maybe I haven't met the right one yet. But maybe I am just extremely picky when it comes to guys. Maybe that's why I haven't had a boyfriend since birth. Oooor I can blame those dreamy movies. Well, I cannot deny that I'm reaaaally picky. But come on, it's necessary to choose, especially if that person will be the one waking up next to me every morning. That is, if I eventually want to tie the knot someday.

When someone asks me what I do like in a guy, it always take me minutes to finish my answer. And they will look at me as if I said that I love Justin Bieber. What's wrong with saying that I want someone who's kind, smart (not academically), patient, has a sense of humor, doesn't smoke, a Catholic, who shares some of my interests and looks like Chris Tiu? Okay, fineee, I'm just joking about him looking like Chris Tiu. Of course I am. Um, kind of. A bit. You see, I'm not really after someone with dashing looks but at least I should be 'inspired' whenever I see his face. Now, that's stupid. But again, blame those 'Julia Roberts movies'. That's why I will abolish all those romantic flicks. And quit my online shouju Manga reading. And avoid memorizing movie quotes that I seem to live by. And switch back to horror/suspense movies which I loved first. Nah, I'm just kidding, of course.

Note: I've just finished watching another romantic movie, just so you know.

Daydream Road

There's a moment I savor everyday
Where everyone around me just fades away
All around me is a blur, a wonderful kind of blur
And where three things stay
The wind, the music and you.

One Smile And I Melt

You, who can see yet chooses to leave blindly

We go around in circles, at all costs avoiding clarity

In the deepest of my feelings you waltz in and out

Will you ever give me something worthwhile to think about?

I shall abandon the tales of my hoping and wishing
Because all the words we both utter are left hanging
I pushed myself into taking risks and chances
But there was nothing but your unsettling silence.

Because my feelings keep wavering from the start,
I might as well tell my heart to make a halt
But every time I see your face in my mind
Once again, I surrender to your smile.

Flipping the Pages

That's not my complete collection since I have books still being 'borrowed' by friends.

I'm a bookworm, thus the collection. The time I spent sitting on Booksale's floor, looking like some desperate human being for books, not to mention the stares I get from people, was really worth it all. This sounds idiotic but I get a surge of happiness whenever I look at my bookshelves. This spot in my room is my small piece of paradise, away from the cruel, cruel world. I just can't imagine life without books. I believe everyone should have at least one favorite book. Make reading a habit, all right? ;)

Random

I've just found this and it made me laugh. This is something I've written on a tissue paper at a Mcdonald's chain when I was in Singapore, drowning in misery and homesickness.

I miss the sun. The melancholic shades of red and orange overwhelming the sky.

I miss the smiling faces of my friends.

I miss the noises which kept me sane at night.

I miss the familiar faces I see everyday.

I miss the warm hugs.

I miss the furry bodies that curl up at my lap.

I miss the hang outs.
I miss my parents.

I miss their voices.

I miss my paradise of books.

I miss everything.

Go Away

I do not want another conversation with you because no matter how upsetting those exchange of words turn out,  they keep on replaying in my mind.
I do not want your reassuring remarks and thoughtful responses because it makes me wonder how someone can be so adorable and detestable at the same time.
I do not want to catch a glimpse of your face because you are a persistent reminder of the things I can never have.
I do not want your heartlessness just to protect your male ego because it brings me nothing but confusion.
I just want you out of my life because I cannot take to be constantly mean to you so that you can stop from insisting that we are friends.
It's just that I like you. And that's all it will ever be.

What's Ice Cream In Tagalog?

Today is February 4.
Like 4 years ago,
I still feel melancholic.
I still hate hearing the songs 'Suddenly' and 'One in a Million' because they cause me to burst into tears.
I still remember my realization that day, that any awful thing can occur after a jovial event.
And that life is cruelly unpredictable.
I can still feel the pain I felt that day I lost someone in a terrible way.
I miss him.
We miss him.