Having anxiety disorder is certainly not something I am proud to tell a story or two about. I do not want people to think less of me. I do not want them to see me as a mentally ill person. I do not want to give them the idea that I am not capable of living normally. But sometimes I feel like I have a need to tell people about my condition. I want them to understand why I do certain things and why I refuse to grab some opportunities that go along my way. Anxiety cripples, terrorizes and imprisons my whole being. It is a traitor in the middle of the night that wakes me up from a dream only to experience nightmare.
I feel so helpless at times because people around me disregard that I am in need of professional help. I am sometimes sick of their denials and ignorance. I find it stupid when people order me to snap out of it like it is an ugly t-shirt I can easily get out of. I did not choose to be like this. It's just that it is more likely for me to have it than most people I know. I am naturally hypersensitive and gets affected even by the most trivial things. I am prone to anxiety and depression.This is why I want a job or a romantic relationship, anything that will serve as my diversion. I believe that if I have other things on my mind, I will not be infested with senseless thoughts which eventually lead to panic attacks. This is why I sometimes long for amnesia even though it sounds idiotic for other people.
During my episodes of anxiety attacks, I am always overwhelmed with guilt because I am not what my parents deserve to have. I feel like a broken appliance which is not working properly every time my family look at me with puzzled expressions on their faces. And I am certain that we both wonder the same thing: why I ended up like this. If I could just tell my brain to stop over thinking, I would. If that is the only way for them to stop worrying about me, I would. If I could just lose memories by constantly banging my head in cement, I would. If that is the only way I could attain peace of mind, I would. But it is a struggle to control my mind sometimes.
It really brings me relief and comfort when I think of all the other people who are also suffering from anxiety disorder. It kind of makes the massive weight easy to bear. It makes me hope that although I have issues, I too can still continue living like the rest. And persevere to be on the side of "normalcy".
