My Cruel Memory

I hide it under the layers of humor and sarcasm. I laugh at it like a favorite joke I've been telling for ages. I say it's fine for me.

But my memory is wicked. It doesn't permit me to forget. It always finds a way to remind me of your smile, of the way you laugh and how you used to talk to me.

I wanted to run away from you and the twinkle in your eyes. But they aren't so bad. It is a secret that you keep me sane at night. You are my favorite distraction.

Missing you is futile. It will always begin and end in missing you. There will be no cure. I will always be afflicted with longing.

The funny thing is I'm thinking that if I repeat all the memories with you, I'll be able to finally get over you. But when it comes to the part where you broke my heart, I think not, I will not be able to.

Why?

Maybe it is necessary to meet them. The wrong ones for you, I mean. Because of them, you will have a clearer sight of the right ones, of those you sometimes believe do not exist anymore, of those you refuse to acknowledge even if they are already in front of you. And maybe among that crowd, there is someone, the right one, waiting for you, too.

Something Intense

I yearn for something intense.

That all the sugary love songs would speak for my lost words.

That I would madly drown in bliss and agonize with every separation.

That even with the uncertainties in life, a peaceful feeling would arise.

That the dreams I kept in my hands would mirror the sketch in his palms.

That it would be a validation of my ability to selflessly love a person out of my circle.

That I would not see the world the same way before it widened within my reach.

That the mere sight of him would calm my turbulent emotions.

That I would move heaven and earth for the outpouring passion in me.

That there would be no need to forget because there would be no need to think.

That if fate would persist for it to end, my heart would mourn for years until I could feel no more.

If It Were A TV Drama

The long series of 'Going Around the Circles' was over. As expected by many avid viewers, it had a terrible ending. The protagonist had lost in her attempts at love again. In other words, it sucked. Her love interest turned out to be a lying son of a gun. What a cliche. Up until the very last scene of their pointless episodes, he refused to be honest about his reasons. What came out of his mouth were excuses. But our protagonist knew it was because of a girl he had a relationship with all along. What a jerk.

However, our lead character did not have any regrets. She took the risk even though it was not easy for her to make. She even made her conditions clear to him. Despite the tragic outcome of their story, she was thankful that he already said that he could not go on any longer. The protagonist felt somehow weirdly relieved of what happened. Maybe because it was a validation that she had anticipated way before he asked to be a part of her life. That after the ambiguity and confusion, alas, there was a definite answer.

She, of course, was disappointed after hearing what her love interest had to say. After all, she had a strong liking for him. She thought she could love him if ever they had a shot at destiny. But obviously, they were not meant to be together. They were two very alike persons that they almost repel each other. It could have been a miserable relationship. That being said, it was absolutely the guy's loss. The protagonist was a catch. Yes, maybe she was a little neurotic but she was someone who would love with all her heart. She was too good for him, anyway. At least that idiot had one thing right. He definitely did not deserve someone like her.

(The said series will have Season 2 (Or will this be Season 3 or 4? Ah, never mind.) It will not have the same title, of course. Everything will be different, from the plot to the casting of characters. The protagonist will now be more cynical than ever. Just like before, she will believe again that the male population is a bunch of shameless liars. It will be even more challenging for her to give chances, thanks to her previous love interest. Maybe she will meet a fine fellow who will change her views or maybe she will end up alone. Oh well, let's just all be hopeful for a wonderful finale for this upcoming season.)

The Things That Could Never Be

I could have loved you.

With my bumbling affection, I could have been in love with you. I could have doted over your pride, your temper, your impatience. I could have swam in your fickleness and drowned myself in them. I could have basked in your rays of sunshine and in your heartbreaking sunsets. I could have given up my comfort of pessimism for your bright, frightening plans. I could have been a playwright with you. I could have taken your heart away.

I pictured us together. We could have been throwing bricks at each other because of my sarcasm and sharp tongue, and your games and moodiness. We could have clashed with our mutual need of being the one to be pleased and pursued. We could have easily raised the white flag as for our similar lack of forbearance. We could have endured a lengthy and shivery war of hearts. We could have been two miserable shadows in the night.

You could have been my amnesia. I could have been your escape. You could have been the calmness of my throbbing soul. I could have been your passionate destination. You could have been the risk I avoid to take. I could have been the dosage of commitment you try to flee from. We could have tangoed on the sidewalks of fate. We could have drank the ecstatic spirit of romance. We could have motorcycled through the wind of uncertainties.

You could have chosen to venture into my reality. And I could have decided to hold your hand.

Happy New Year To Me

Just hours before fireworks came flashing in the sky, I was drowning in depression. I could not stop myself from weeping. It seemed like I was mourning that 2013 was dawning on me. I was perplexed because I have always loved celebrating the coming of a new year.

Then it hit me hard. I was unhappy on that day because I felt like I had not made the fullest out of the previous year. I was out of job and that made me feel like a failure. I was still totally dependent on my parents at the age of 21. And that made me feel terrible about myself. I felt ashamed and insecure which led me to constant self-loathing.

The second reason was my struggle with mental health. 2012 was a memorable year for me in an awful way. The disorder I thought I had in control defeated me. It made its way to my deepest fears and haunted me maniacally. But the episodes of panic attacks I had taught me a lot of things. It shook me to my core and made me see the thin distance I had with mental breakdown.

Love did not find me in 2012, just like how it ignored my existence during the previous years. I felt so unloved and miserable. I wanted to be in a romantic relationship but what I had was a one-way ticket to heartbreak. And it was always like that. My pursuance of love always lead either to futile end or unrequited admiration. I am tired of being attracted to guys who are distant and unavailable. Will I ever find what I am searching for?

So this 2013, I will set things right. I will do something to get back what was once my life.