Undying Unrequited Admiration

How do you get out of a nine-year infatuation with a person you never really know that well? You are aware that it should come to a stern end. You perfectly get the idea that it is a hopeless shot at love. You have been slapped, kicked and pushed by the truth before that you do not wish for it to happen again.

Yet you seem to keep coming back to where it all began, to where it all heightened to a degree. You sometimes cling to those 'what if's' especially after watching a chick flick. You secretly get a dosage of his whereabouts every now and then. You still sheepishly smile like a 6th grader at the sight of his picture. And scowl at the one of him kissing a girl on the cheek. On the cheek!

But you keep your distance. No more attempts to chat him. No more impulses to send him a 'random' text message. No more enthusiastic birthday greeting. The last time you greeted him, it was ignored which sent your heart wailing. You know better than that now. As a matter of fact, you deleted his number from your contacts already. Or did you put it again?

It is not love, you repeat to yourself. Yes, you define love in a deep, hilarious way. You refuse to call it a 'crush', you say you like him too much. You claim it as an infatuation. Mainly because you die over his chinky eyes. And when he smiles, your heart leaps a little and sends your stomach flipping.

You are not friends with him. He is not one of those people you think of calling when something wonderful happens to you. He doesn't get the privilege to listen to you as you describe your amazing trip to Baguio or how moved you are over a Korean movie you just watched. Your conversation with him starts with 'How are you?' and ends with 'I'm good'. How heartwarming, huh?

There is really nothing special about him but there is no contest between him and those other guys that you got yourself to like. You do not have profound memories with him to recall. He hardly resembles your ideal guy. But you cannot put your admiration to a full stop. He is just irresistibly adorable, you say to your best friends. They shoot you a horrified look every time.

You do not hope for anything concrete anymore. You already gave up the moment he encouraged you to let it go. But sometimes the thought of meeting him again consumes you. You imagine bumping into him at a grocery store, on a holiday. He smiles at you like he always do and you are blinded by the glimmer in his eyes. You feel your heart. How do you get out of it again?